Medium: Why Women Stop Desiring Their Partner in Long Relationships

There’s more evolution behind a dying sex life than you might think

Preface: Note that I’m referring to statistical data of cis people, your individual experiences might differ.

If you are in a heterosexual relationship for more than five years, chances are that even though you love your partner and your life with them, your sex life is waning or even dead altogether. Not only isn’t it as passionate as it once was, but also the frequency declined over time. Chances are also that it’s the woman who isn’t into sex with her partner anymore.

Many heterosexual couples encounter this phenomenon, and science (Opens in a new window) found that there seems to be a connection between relationship duration and sexual desire in women (Opens in a new window) but not men. Of course, men who stop desiring their female partners do exist, but statistically speaking, they’re the exception.

In the past, the pressure to do something about this situation laid heavily on women’s shoulders. Since she isn’t into sex with her partner anymore, there must be something wrong with her, right? And indeed: in many cases the woman seeks help from gynecologists or psychologists to “fix” her sex drive. Only recently, recommendations from professionals (Opens in a new window) include de-pathologizing low sexual desire in women and instead, focus on both partners.

Many explanations include sociocultural factors such as the overall stress level, the free time available, the general quality of the relationship, having kids. These explanations sound perfectly plausible and sufficient. Nobody would be in the mood for sex, if they have to work a lot to get rent, kids, house etc. organised. Another explanation is hormonal contraception, as it is known to lower the female sex drive as a side effect, but let’s stick to women who don’t suppress their cycle.

Here’s another possible explanation.