Following the call down, down, down.

My intention was to send out a newsletter with offerings but instead all that’s coming to and through me are stories, inspiration and insights — which I’m incredibly grateful for.

I welcome those as gifts, I’m not trying to change the direction of this flow.

I’m not fighting against a stream of creativity, unraveling truths, clarity (and waves of grief and gratitude), why would I?

I’m not criticising or judging myself for not being “on time”, for not being successful “enough” to make a living again with what I create and offer. Why would I?

Because I should be productive, do something “serious”, get a “real” job?

I’m done with ignoring the natural flow, a more feminine way of practicing, creating, living.

I’m releasing the guilt of not being productive, seemingly not contributing to the system that could pay me for my work, for sharing my gifts, (to a system I don’t want to contribute to anymore; this begs the question, what’s this “system” and what is it I want to contribute to, explore? This is exactly where I am, in short and I’m sure there’s much more to come, as I’m just finding my way into translating my inner experience into language and concepts, and some of it can’t be explained (yet?): a patriarchal, hierarchical structure, economy as we’ve been living it, based on scarcity, an egocentric worldview vs. equal-conscious relationships, being in relationship with all of life, reciprocity, gift economy, ecocentric worldview).

What about all the ways I invest(ed) in relationships, new connections, helping and celebrating others, my own wellbeing, sat in ceremony with other women and friends and healed invisible wounds, grieved and felt these waves turn into unconditional love, opened my home to friends, shared my excitement and passion for this city, makramee, ritual, plants, encouraged others to honour their needs, wrote love letters to friends and myself, became more intimate with the land, the trees, flowers and my own rhythm…?

Tell me…

What about all the ways you’re incredibly generous with your time and resources?

What about all the times you share(d) your gifts?

Not everything can nor should be measured in the way others, economists, taught us?! Not everything has an immediate exchange of energy (I do feel the joy of giving). Meaning, not every time we give something for which we could ask for money, we should do so.

And not every time we receive something, we should think about how we give back before we even say thank you, or if we can really accept it, if we deserve it.

I don’t want to hold on to the belief that life (free time) and work has to be separate. How does that even work? I work, share my gifts there, and then what? What about my friends, family, nature?

This has to shift, be transformed into something new.

I’ll let you know how it goes ;)

To pick up the thread…

I’m taking off all the invisible layers that revealed themselves over the past weeks.

The invisible layer of guilt, for receiving support from those who love me, who believe in and appreciate me.

The belief that being an artist, a writer, a musician is only for those with great talent. Aren’t we innately creative as humans? We are.

The belief that everything I create or do should be useful/ have a result?

Don’t we want to let go of the labels and sing, dance, create, learn, when you feel the impulse, when you feel the song, the movement, the story/ garden/ meal/ art/ whatever you want to create, when you feel curiosity and excitement?

I do. But there’s a difference in knowing, wanting to believe this, and experiencing, feeling it in our bones and heart. There’s a difference between thinking about it and actually allowing the flow of creativity, being a (clear) vessel for whatever wants to be experienced, expressed and embodied.

Lot’s of thoughts start like this these days: “I begin to understand…” which arises from deep within, an understanding that feels older than my lifetime. I don’t want to say that it’s coming from prior lifetimes, (does it matter?); it just feels familiar, like it’s been part of me, all this time, and part of you, my mother, my mother’s mother, our ancestors. A sense of relaxing back into a relationship with life, nature. Coming home.

I like to remember that water contains knowledge - and we’re made of so much water - and it’s been the element that pulled me into the depth of my being (I’m a Scorpio rising so in retrospect it’s no surprise that swimming, floating, nourishing trust and surrender, re-discovering magic and longing for more depth brought me to this point).

How many layers are there?

The picture or sensation that came to me earlier was one of taking off my clothes but still feeling restricted, uncomfortable, not fully at home, until I notice the invisible layers of guilt, shame and wounds I had denied. The layers that wouldn’t disappear even though I’ve been covering myself in compassion and love, like they weren’t only invisible but porous, too - until I felt them, acknowledged that I’ve been wearing them, too.

I wasn’t immune to societies pressure, systems, beliefs, opinions, so-called leaders and authorities using their power, traumatising work situations, controlling and manipulative behaviour, years of smoking, drinking, comparison, competition, searching for belonging outside of me, overstimulation, “failed” relationships, to name a few…

It’s like we’re wearing those layers without knowing that their toxins slowly make their way through our skin into our hearts and minds, make us believe that everything that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, that we’re oh so brave, so inspiring how we hold it all together, how we can do it all on our own, and how caring, kind and empathetic we are.

But please, don’t be too sensitive when it does get too much.

Don’t laugh too loud, don’t ask stupid questions, don’t critizise - we’ve always done it this way.

(I’m not even starting with cycle related stuff, the pill, pain killers, not today.)

And if we just learned, worked, read, a little more, it’ll be enough.

If we just accomplished, healed, overcame xyz, life will get easier.

All these beliefs and voices aren’t all “mine” or “yours”.

They can be found in Archetypes, in aspects and patterns, they seem universal in a way. Which for me, makes it less heavy, it does help to distance myself from beliefs, recognize that they exist in the collective. It’s not all mine to carry nor to solve. But if we don’t talk about what’s weighing heavy on our hearts, what’s causing us pain, what we struggle with, how can we know that we’re not alone, that it’s not us failing, being weak, wrong, not enough?

How do we return to being in right relationship with ourselves, with nature? Right in a way that we thrive by being part of the web of life, of our community? Right in a way that we believe the truth that nothing in nature exists alone and we do deserve to be held, supported, nourished by our environment. Only giving denies others to give. Not being able to receive (the gifts of nature) with gratitude disrupts, cuts us off from magic and abundance.

How can we return to a sense of feeling held? Allowing ourselves to be received by the earth, supported? And let go of judging ourselves for not knowing all the answers at all times? Stop criticising ourselves for needing a hand, another attempt?

I’m adding a practice for you at the end! And the song I thought of: Vienna (cover (Si apre in una nuova finestra) or original (Si apre in una nuova finestra)).

Archetypal wisdom

By now I can feel how these contemplations are deeply inspired by the full moon/ lunar eclipse and South Node in Virgo :) obviously we’re asked to alchemise any expression of perfectionism, self-doubt, -criticism.

This is where and how I find some answers.

Archetypes present us a spectrum of lower and higher frequencies, a spectrum to explore which energies we embody, creating an experimental map for us to evolve; they are deeply connected to myths and stories, which have helped humans understand themselves and relate to someone or something ever since.

And they also remind us, that over time, Archetypes evolve and change - at least our perception of them. They’re not set in stone, and they too, were judged, misunderstood, labeled, pigeonholed. They evolve through our experiences. Again, it’s all interconnected.

Learning about Archetypes was one of the first decisions I made out of pure curiosity, I didn’t know if I wanted to teach about it. It didn’t matter.

I think it’s “funny” how in my 200 hour yoga teacher training in 2019 we were asked if we intended/ wanted to teach after - while I knew that I wanted to be some kind of teacher and inspire, have a positive impact, I wish I had been encouraged to practice for myself for at least idk a year (I think there’s no right or wrong, no timeline that can be applied to everyone), to immerse myself in practice, texts, stories, I wish I had had a mentor.

I felt lost, I was struggling, mainly because there was such a big discrepancy between what I’ve experienced during and after practice, when teaching and then in my workplaces and in relationships. I didn’t have a sangha, people, teachers around me. The pandemic and all its restrictions started shortly after I returned from India. I actually began with Functional Training online classes and little by little more yoga. I wanted to share more of what has shifted so much within me, saw it as a way out of a path I really couldn’t see for myself. I felt like I didn’t know enough and yet “should” be able to “use what I’ve learned”.

I believe this mirrors how everything we learn, pay money for, has to have a result, better sooner than later, everything needs proof that “it’s worth the time and money” (which might also explain the increasing intensity in ceremony, retreats, journeys etc., which isn’t always helpful, at times rather destabilising and harmful).

Every time I shared what I was studying, learning, passionate about and envisioning, people around me asked “but how do you make money with that?”.

I can’t be part of that anymore.

It might take a while to understand what this means for me 🙂

I know that one impulse was to return to the basics, to learn, heal, grow differently. With my whole being, in my body’s and mind’s pace and rhythm.

I know that one insight was that the concept of time is shifting.

I know that it will have an effect on how I live. And teach, hold space.

I want to honour my rhythm, your’s, nature’s.

Waking up (from slumber)

It feels like I’m finding my own voice, my way of speaking my truth, an entry point to a realm I’ve been avoiding because I felt like I didn’t know enough to share my perspective — because I didn’t dare to ask more questions.* I didn’t even know I had to ask those questions until I had an experience that woke me up. That needed my ability to protect my heart, my mind, my values. That urged me to learn what boundaries really mean.

It woke up the fiery part of me that wants to claim, to occupy her role, take up space, not to fulfil expectations for a specific role defined by someone else, but rather feeling free to be myself, to create, explore, to live a slow, meaningful life, not feeling confused, distracted, overstimulated or intimidated by someone else’s opinion/ strategy/ energy/… but to feel my connection with (my own) nature, part of the web of life, supported, alive, wildly awake.

*coming from being afraid to be perceived as stupid or judged when asking questions in general! I remember so many situations where I could have asked incredible teachers and mentors for their advice or perspective and my mind just went blank. So interesting, right?

I now see how I judged myself for not knowing more, for not being further along the path, for feeling not experienced enough.. through the eyes of today‘s systems it‘s never really enough, or is it? Is it what I was holding on to? To belong to what is familiar?

I don‘t want to blame, I want change.

So I’m not only asking questions but moving through a period (more like an underworld journey tbh) of questioning any story, habitual pattern, identity, role that I’ve ever held, played out, took on. Alchemising what’s not matching the deeper truth I sense to be true.

It’s not a linear process, it doesn’t make sense from the mind, it feels organic, necessary, wild, incredibly humbling, freeing.

Simultaneously, being able to grief, cry, hold myself, be held by cacao, other women, the earth, creates a sense of peace, trust and devotion within me that I’ve never experienced before. A sense of safety and security. True belonging.

And as it all still feels utterly vulnerable, I’m not going to share my whole experience yet.

If you find yourself in a similar phase listen to this oracle card reading:

What I do want to share, ask, is:

• Did you ever feel a call to be in the wilderness? To be amongst like-minded people? Or completely alone? So you can feel and hear your own truth, rhythm?

• To experience rather than do more, work more?

• To feel and listen rather then (over)think?

• To learn something that excites you?

• The call to discover your truths, who you are?

• Are you following the call?

• Who you are when you’re not contributing to a system that just doesn’t feel right (nourishing, supportive, expansive, …) anymore?

• Who are you when you’re not supporting, caring for others?

I heard, felt the call, years ago, but it wasn’t until very recently that I listened and walked through that door, this portal, over the threshold to experience and meet myself, return home, with nothing but the willingness to surrender, say yes to (my own) life, shed what’s too tight, rigid, even harmful.

So whatever is calling you, whispering your name, speaking to your heart, resonating with you, has a purpose, and not every call has to bring you to your knees and takes you into a storm (promise!).

What’s calling you, gently, softly, or maybe even quite strongly?

What journey, adventure, place, flower, idea is calling you?

One thing I wished I trusted earlier: it doesn’t have to make sense (yet), instinct and intuition speak a completely different language. You don’t need to know the result, there doesn’t have to be one at all, at least not a planned one!

Align with the energy of the season

With this waning moon and during an eclipse season it doesn’t feel like it makes sense to take 10 action steps (yet) but rather surrender to the flow of life, follow urges, open your eyes and heart to signs, be creative, rest (!), dream (maybe drink some Mugwort tea before sleep), dance, move, be in your body, feel and sense your own rhythm, your breath, heartbeat, energy.

Venus Retrograde feels like an invitation to remember that we’re in relationship with everything and everyone (I highly recommend listening to a podcast episode called The Serviceberry).

Personally this time helps me remember to be in relationship with plants, especially flowers and trees and the humans I meet and share experiences with, to be fully present with the person I’m listening to — because what resonated the most was that as humans we thrive through healthy relationships. We need each other (- let’s untangle this from co-dependency and people pleasing patterns and the belief that we’re not enough or too much, so we can give and receive with joy and gratitude -), nothing in nature exists alone, right?

I listen to and feel the plants through tea (meditation), sitting and moving with cacao, observing what grows and weaves around and within me. I listen to the impulse to express my gratitude, tell people about my dreams and ideas, I ask for help, I ask questions and listen, with my heart, all my senses.

My sun and moon are in Taurus, in the house of Libra and both signs are ruled by Venus, which kind of explains why I feel a bit more drawn to be in relationship with nature than with humans these days!? And simultaneously I get to experience more depth and vulnerability in relationships because I finally follow what I’m curious and passionate about.

And this brings me to one of my most important realizations..

Why do we want to serve, create?

Wanting to be of service and contribute is honourable, but if it covers and is intertwined with the fear of failure, not enoughness, it might burn you out and leave you feeling discontent, even resentful.

I’m almost (give me a few more weeks) laughing about how I was stuck in a pattern of wanting to assist, support and co-create. There’s nothing wrong with offering help, wanting to support others. It just kept me from offering this to myself, from receiving life, nature, her wisdom.

Everything that inspired me, helped me in a way, was immediately something I wanted to share. I “had to” in a way, to make a living, to proof that we can earn money with what we’re passionate about, what we believe in.

I enjoyed every second of teaching, I studied a lot, immersed myself in the teachings and felt fulfilled, but there’s a joy for life, a creative life, that is opening up to me at the moment that I never truly believed was possible for me, I couldn’t see it while being “in the soup”, in a system made and ruled by others.

I didn’t create for the sake of creation, I didn’t allow myself to “just explore and express my creativity” - not completely, it “had to be connected to being of service” — does that make sense to you?

My astrology teacher spoke to this by comparing different ways of being bonded: in prison or choosing a monastic life. How limited and imprisoned we feel really depends on our own state of mind, awareness. Because we can bind, commit, devote ourselves to something, if it aligns with our truth, values, needs, longing. Creating from devotion is rather different than creating for money, for proving something, surviving. Can we believe in ourselves, trust our heartfelt longing and that we deserve to thrive, as humans?

I guess where I’m heading is the conclusion that we can’t fully believe something if we’re not inviting new experiences, ones’s that will help us feel, sense, see a new perspective, truth.

And in my case I needed to step out of that system of measuring work in time and money to shake off this connection of worth and measurable results. I couldn’t see it. I felt the pressure, my own expectations, I felt the “shoulds” as tension in my body and I needed to rest, dance, sing, create, cry, write, cry a little (much) more, feel music, art, all around me to remember who I am, that I do want to create for the sake of creation. I don’t want my art, my writings, poems, makramee, paintings to be created as proof that I’m living an authentic life, that what I do for a living “works”.

I just want to create.

I want to speak my truth.

I want to heal invisible wounds and love myself a little more, whenever old stories say hello.

I want to protect this new life, a new way of being.

I want to give from an overflow, and from an authentic, loving place.

What are you claiming?

Leaning into fire, Venus, Aries.

What voice wants to rise, what part of you wants to be expressed?

If you want to dive into this with me, I’d be so excited to assist you in your process. While I paused long term group offerings for a while, one on one feels so nourishing and potent! Drop me a mail here (Si apre in una nuova finestra) or dive into what mentoring could feel like through reading more on my website (Si apre in una nuova finestra).

A few more questions

As these are very representative for Aries season and the second eclipse in a few days, March 29th, 11:58 cet (new moon in Aries, the last one in this sign).

Who am I (as a woman/man in this lifetime)? How do I want to move through the world? Who am I, when I‘m not supporting, helping others?

What am I creating, birthing, dreaming? When I tend to my own inner garden and the seeds I planted, but didn‘t have the energy to nurture them, to protect the sprouts? …Maybe because you got lost in the current of stories, beliefs, distractions, drama, scattering your energy and attention, tending to the little fires.

Be kind to yourself, it‘s not the whole truth - can you see and feel that on every plane of the spiral of our lives there will be another layer to discover, another stripping away, another ending and beginning.

It is a continuous cycle of life - death - life.

So lean into radical honesty and compassion, not to blame yourself but to return to love.

Please consider supporting my work if it’s serving you and if you can, either with a monthly or yearly subscription, a paypal (Si apre in una nuova finestra) donation is welcome, too.

I love having you here. I’m thinking of a (virtual) get together, for story, tea and sharing, soon!

Here are a few resources ⤸

Nature-Amplification Practice - Earth Vibration, from the book Radiant Rest by Tracee Stanley

Podcasts:

I hope I can send you the link to my own podcast in a bit. I had a name, a script, recorded a first episode and then went deeper into, well, what I described above. I needed some distance to the initial idea and intention, I still feel it, but there’s more I need to address in the first episode. And therefore I need to get a bit clearer on what that exactly is, it’s like this eclipse is showing me what’s still covered with dust, the last corners of my home I didn’t dare to clean, afraid of what’s lurking in the dark.

My astrology teacher framed it so kindly and sweet: I’m still collecting experiences. Soon I’ll be able to share my insights, my wisdom (big word, but let’s be honest and stop being all modest and too humble, we ALL have some wisdom to share) and of course the practices I want to share.

So much love,

Teresa