Review: Bored of the Rings, Harvard Lampoon | The origin of Dementors, Tweets, Ringers, and Why didn't the eagles take the One Ring to Mordor?
Every now and then I cannot help myself and I will pull out a very thin paperback from my shelves that represents the first ever published parody of The Lord of the Rings - Bored of the Rings.
Now, it has been a few years since 1969 and it is a publication that is strongly US-American so if you are not American and/or a little bit older you may have to look up the Harvard Lampoon (Si apre in una nuova finestra) and its history on Wikipedia. Let it suffice to say that the success of this little book is the flashpoint for an even bigger success story in bringing to life the National Lampoon magazine (Si apre in una nuova finestra) and all of that which followed - including such names as John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Bill Murry & Harold Ramis, just to name a few.
Authors Douglas Kenney (Animal House, Caddyshack) and Henry Beard (Miss Piggy's Guide to Life, Bad Golf Made Easier) delivered a book that on the surface may remind you of Tolkien's story but a) the liberties taken (understatement of the year!) are outrageous and the humour is b) juvenile (and that is an insult to all things juvenile!)
I will give you a few examples of the story so you can get a feel for what Kenney & Beard considered funny and I will also give you a few surprising facts you will never have expected!
Transparency note: None of these claims have any basis in fact. I just find them hilarious.
The Fellowship and then some ...
Dildo Bugger, finder of the Great Ring.
Goodgulf Greyteeth, a self-proclaimed "wizard" whose only mastery of magic is legerdemain.
Frito Bugger, nephew of Dildo.
Spam Gangree, his half-witted manservant.
Moxie and Pepsi Dingleberry, twin morons.
Arrowroot, the weak-chinned and bucktoothed ranger who is the heir to the throne of Twodor (But he goes by many names.)
Bromosel, son of Benelux, Steward of Twodor.
Gimlet, son of Groin, a deformed dwarf.
Legolam, an acerbic elf. [Source: TvTropes (Si apre in una nuova finestra)]
Punny names & places
To the left of Orion sat Goodgulf in a red fez, revealed as a 32nd Degree Mason and Honorary Shriner, and to his right sat Stomper, clad in the white Gene Autry suit of a Ranger. Frito was shown to a seat about halfway down the table between an unusually deformed dwarf and an elf who smelled like a birdnest, and Moxie and Pepsi were sent to a small table in a corner with the Easter Bunny and a couple of tooth fairies.
As with most mythical creatures who live in enchanted forests with no visible means of support, the elves ate rather frugally, and Frito was a little disappointed to find heaped on his plate a small mound of ground nuts, bark, and dirt. Nevertheless, like all boggies, he was capable of eating anything he could Indian-wrestle down his throat and rather preferred dishes that didn't struggle too much, since even a half-cooked mouse can usually beat a boggie two falls out of three. No sooner had he finished eating than the dwarf sitting to his right turned to him and proffered an extremely scaly hand in greeting. It's at the end of his arm, thought Frito, nervously shaking it, it's got to be a hand. [p. 69]
I personally needed to look up quite a few things - I was raised in the Europe of the 70s and 80s and we certainly had our fair share of American films and televsion series but not something as chaotically absurd as this. If any of you have (better) explanations I would love to hear them!
Moxie & Pepsi, that is, Merry & Pippin, are carbonated beverages and that is probably a fitting metaphor for the two characters in this book - they bloop and blather with a combined IQ of about 12.
Goodgulf is Gandalf and I would presume it is a mixture of Goodyear & Gulf - the one the tire and rubber company, the other Gulf Oil, a former major oil company, suggesting the image of a constantly smoking, always on the road wizard.
Stomper is Strider. Yup, that is about the level of punny excellence in this one.
And the boggies, well, the hobbits... In a hole in the boggy ground... And so on.
The map you can see above has almost nothing to do with the book. The whole story is set in Lower Middle Earth, suggesting a Middle Middle Earth and an Upper Middle Earth. Har dee har har.
Breaking the Fifth Wall of Minas Troney
Having said that, there are moments when I really had to laugh quite loudly. A fact which does say more about me and the kind of humour I like than the quality of the writing. See for example this short paragraphy early on when the boggies are being hunted by Nozdrul:
The Nozdruls quivered with rage, but turned their mounts around, preparing to ride off. Before they left, however, the leader shook a gnarled fist.
"This ain't the end of this, punk! You'll hear from us again!"
Saying this, the nine spurred their farting porkers and sped away in a great cloud of dust and dung.
Observing this near impossible escape from certain death, Frito wondered how much longer the authors were going to get away with such tripe. He wasn't the only one [my emphasis.] [p.63]
Nota Bene: TvTropes has a pretty good list (Si apre in una nuova finestra) of all the satirical elements used in the book.
Something I found really funny (my pardon!)
"The bath of Lavalier never lies," said the Lady sternly (...)
Frito pinched himself one last time, then stumbled into the treehouse and fell into a deep sleep.
The surface of the basin remained black for a while, then flickered and showed the triumphant reception of the S. S. Titanic in New York Harbor, the repayment of the French war debt, and the inaugural ball of Harold Stassen. [p.92]
Now, whether Lavalier is an allusion to a piece of jewellery (Si apre in una nuova finestra) or the pussy bow (Si apre in una nuova finestra) I would not know - but it does sound me that lavaliers used in the American collegiate fraternity system (Si apre in una nuova finestra) seem closer to the mark.
The Review?
There really cannot be a 'proper' review of this book today in my opinion. It is horribly dated and so intertwined with the then cultural back cloth of US everyday life that I would even venture to assume that most young Americans would have difficulties in getting all of the allusions.
The reader follows Goodgulf and his troupe through the Old Forest (the Nattily Wood turning into Evilyn), past Whee (Bree) to Riv'n'dell, then on to the Mealey Mountains, past Lornadoon, Roi-Tan, Serutan who lives in Isintower, on to Minas Troney. Many of their adventures resemble elements from The Lord of the Rings. It is a parody, after all, but I have to say Schlob's Lair certainly is worth the visit.
Whatever people can find fault with in The Lord of the Rings is blown out of proportion - and there are many options at hand, quite cleverly used on quite a few occasions by Kenney and Beard. Even David Bratman had to concede:
Those parodists wrought better than they knew. I think it is highly significant how close Tolkien came to inadvertently writing the parody version of his own novel - and how completely, in the end, he managed to avoid it. [Mythlore vol.22, no.4, 2000. free download (Si apre in una nuova finestra) of: Top Ten Rejected Plot Twists from The Lord of the Rings: A Textual Excursion into the "History of the Lord of the Rings"]
It will only take you a few hours to read this short book - the Internet Archive has a copy you can loan (Si apre in una nuova finestra).
Dementors
"Help, help!" they cried.
But no one answered. The fat orange blossom ranged over the helpless boggie bodies, squirming and moaning with desire. A bloated blossom fastened to Spam's boggie belly and began its relentless sucking motion; he felt his flesh drawn up to the center of the flower. Then, as Sam looked on in horror, the petals released with a resounding pop!, leaving a dark, malignant weal where the horrid pucker had been. Spam, powerless to save himself or his companions, watched terrified as the now-panting sepals prepared to administer their final, deadly soul kiss. [my emphasis]
But just as the long, red stamen descended to its unspeakable task, Spam thought he heard the snatch of a lilting song not far distant, and growing louder! It was a muddled, drowsy voice that sang words that were not words to Spam's ears:
"Toke-a-lid! Smoke-a-lid! Pop the mescalino! Stash the hash! Gonna crash! Make mine methedrino! Hop a hill! Pop a pill! For Old Tim Benzedrino!" [p. 41]
I am pretty sure that J.K. Rowling read the book and used it as an inspiration, mixing those things with the Nazgûl - et voilà!
[Source: [EpicPonyz] (Si apre in una nuova finestra), no longer available online.]
Tweets
At length they came to a place where the passage divided into two, with both leading down, and Goodgulf signaled for a halt. Immediately there came a series of ominous gurgles and otherworldly tweets that suggested that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were having a friendly rubber of bridge not a yard away. [p.84]
It is a fact that many modern day tekkies have been heavily influenced by The Lord of the Rings and certainly Bored of the Rings, too - wanting to seem edgy the people behind Twitter will have stumbled across this paragraph. RUMOUR CONFIRMED!
Ringers
Then came the day when Sorhed learned of the Great Ring and the many powers it would bring him in his climb to the top. Forgetting all else, he yanked his sons from medical school over his wife's strident objections and dubbed them Nozdruls. But the First Ring War went badly. Sorhed and his Ringers barely escaped with their lives. From then on their marital relations went from bad to worse. Sorhed spent all his time at the witch-works and Mazola sat home casting evil spells and watching the daytime mallomar serials. She began to put on weight. Then, one day, Sorhed found Mazola and a mallomar repairman in a compromising position and immediately filed divorce proceedings, eventually winning custody of the Nine Nozdrul. [p.132-133]
What a striking coincidence - the one website to rule them all coming up with a term that Sorhed himself had coined! As they are all hippies over in California they certainly read the book - et voilà! Not taking the books too seriously certainly helped, yessir!
Why didn't the eagles take the One Ring to Mordor?
"Ciao!" waved Spam to Frito.
"At a time like this?" sobbed Frito.
Then just over their heads they saw a passing flash of color. There in the sky they saw a giant eagle, full- feathered and painted shocking pink. On its side were the words Deus ex Machina Airlines in metallic gold. [p.154]
P.S. The eagle's name is Gwahno.
At the end of it all - a little poem
"Dago, Dago, Lassi Lima rintintin
Yanqui unicycle ramar rotoroot
Telstar aloha saarinen cloret
Stassen camaro impala desoto?
Gardol oleo telephon lumumba!
Chappaqua havatampa muriel
U canleada horsta wata, bwana,
Butyu canna makit drinque!
Comsat melba rubaiyat nirvana
Garcia y vega hiawatha aloo.
O mithra, mithra, I fain wud he doon!
Valdaree valdera, que sera, sirrah,
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Honi soit la vache qui rit." [p.93]
If you feel like helping me out in deciphering all the allusions in this 'poem' do let me know in the comment section! 😁
Picture credits: Where not otherwise mentioned all photos are from my 1969 edition of BotR.
This post was originally published (Si apre in una nuova finestra) on September 2nd, 2021.
It has been made publicly available with my move to Steady.
