About being seen

CN: This text briefly mentions violence and abusive behaviour, but without going into detail.

Until a few years ago, writing was as much a part of my life as breathing. Since I was 9 years old, I regularly wrote diaries, and as I got older, stories and poems. I started writing books at 13, but never finished even one (neurospicy authors - how do you do it?) and slam poetry at around 20. I remember seeing this famous performance of Julia Engelmann and immediately started writing. I didn't know that THAT could also be poetry.

A lot of my past revolved around this: being allowed. Am I allowed to dress like that, say something like that, think something like that, be something like that? Very often the answer was "no". As a neurodivergent, queer child categorized as female, this was an everyday experience. I was too much of everything and too little at the same time, so I began to study how I should be. It was my only mission. Until I got older and got literally sick of it. Before then only in my diaries did I allow myself to be myself – very cautiously. Anything else seemed too dangerous.

When I started with poetry slam, it was like a diary reading for me that no longer remained just for me. It was the beginning of showing myself. At first, I only read my texts to people I knew, then more and more often to people I didn't know. I noticed that my words were not only received, but also heard and, in special cases, even resonated with other people. In moments like that, a connection was made. My experience was no longer "mine“; it was "ours" and the proof: I was no longer alone. I revealed myself, sometimes cryptically hidden behind rhyming phrases, but clear enough to guess what I meant and sometimes direct enough to say what I needed to say. At least I think so. I stood on a stage, showed myself and was seen. I was a real person, with a story, with a language. And for 7 minutes, I was allowed to speak and talk about myself.

Being seen is existential because it testifies to our existence. Being truly seen is a recognition of one's own being in the world. This is not just about our own identity, but about