Five days and one hour

No alcohol.

Not so bad, really, because a start has been made.

As Pythagoras said – or at least, I think it was him: The beginning is half the whole. Pretty wise, don’t you think?

I also think that alcohol has its raison d’être. Especially when it comes to myself. Without alcohol, I wouldn’t have gotten through some things as well as I did. It helped me in my darkest hours. But now I see it differently. Now it IS different. Because my darkest hours are now really just moments when I feel.

Moments when I am exposed to feelings. Moments when I experience emotions.

And I no longer want to flee from them.

Because life is found in feelings. Life also encompasses all kinds of emotions that need to be lived. Otherwise, you might as well just hang yourself.

So I used to flee from feelings sometimes. But I have now clearly recognized that feelings are the real thrill of life. The clarity of feelings now gives me more of a rush than anything else I know.

Except for sex, maybe, but that usually includes feelings as well. Not always, of course, but when emotions are truly involved, it’s a bigger rush than simple, physical, emotionless sex.

When I fully allow my emotions, I come alive. All my cells vibrate, I am awake and clear in my mind. And it’s fun. And I really feel myself.

Then I live.

In the vibrancy of my emotions, I often feel the vibrancy of my counterpart – or rather, the emotions that flow between me and someone else.

But so much more flows, I feel it, and although no scientist can measure what I feel subjectively, it is absolutely crucial for me.

I have also realized that giving up alcohol from now on and delving into my emotional life will save my life.

Basically, it is now about allowing myself to feel, especially my own emotions. That I no longer escape.

No more escape – no more escape into alcohol.

Instead, diving into life – into the feelings of life, into the thrill of emotions.