A Normal Routine with Abnormal Ques. 2

Hey,

Hi Ravi,

Yeah, I’m a part of you and you’re a part of me. Don’t be afraid of me. I know these days are always tough, tougher than before. I know so calmly listen to your inner self. I’m just here to have a conversation with you. Don’t worry, no one is fooling you or going to make fun of you. So tell me:

So, lately, I’ve been feeling nothing—no emotion, no love, no pain. It’s like everything is just repeating over and over. I love and care beyond barriers, but then I experience pain and overthink. It feels like I’m drowning again.

I wasn’t very fortunate or practical. I’m not behaving like I used to in front of the world. I’m not mature, an adult, or a genius. I want to be a kid. I gave lectures about maturity and all that blah blah blah. It’s all bullshit.

I remember those windows and balconies from my childhood that opened into a different world. I had time to be idle in a world full of deep solitude. It felt like a farmer waiting for the rain, for seeds to sprout, and for crops to sway.

I’m sick of it. I’m totally sick of it when someone keeps asking, “How are you?” I don’t have answers, and they keep asking. I know they think I’m an egoistic person or not interested in talking or an idiot with so much arrogance. But I don’t have any answer to that question.

Actually, I don’t have any answers to questions about me. I get silent, and that doesn’t mean I don’t want to speak. I want to speak at that time. I want to answer, “Hello, I’m here,” but...

It’s like selective mutism.
It started in my childhood.
My words get stuck when someone shouts or bullies me.
Teachers often shouted at me. I knew the answer,

but it wouldn’t come out, and I’d get punished.

In third class, a boy named Rajkumar, our class monitor, used to throw dust on my head, hide my lunch, notebooks, and school utensils. It stopped when I changed schools after fifth class, but it didn’t end there.
In eighth class, there was Rahul.
In eleventh, Prem. TTN seniors.

Even my so-called friends and ex-friends did it and called it fun.
or the sexual abuse I phased
I still can’t say no to them.
I thought I was used to it, but these things are having a big impact on me now.

Doc says, “If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where you couldn’t get someone to talk to you or even acknowledge you, you’ve experienced the silence covering you. You may not even have given up at some point.

The silent treatment can happen in romantic relationships or any type of relationship, including between parents and children, friends, and co-workers. It can be a fleeting reaction to a situation in which one person feels angry, frustrated, or too overwhelmed to deal with a problem.

In these cases, once the heat of the moment passes, so does the silence. I know it’s not your fault, and due to issues of bipolar, you couldn’t get away from this. And you just jumped into it. These things get back that you don’t have to do.”

“Responding in anger, which can just increase things.”
“Apologizing just to put an end to it, even though you did nothing wrong.”
“Continuing to try reasoning with the other person after you’ve already given it a shot.”
“Taking it personally, as you’re not to blame for how others choose to treat you.”
“Threatening to end the relationship unless you’re prepared to do so...”

So I found myself again in front of my doc. I hate going there. Actually, he’s really good, but his questions again bind me in:

• “How are you?”
  

• “Silence” (again, I don’t have an answer).
  

• “How have you been since our last session?” (Yeah, because you missed several sessions, what is this behavior, Ravi? How many times do I have to tell you?)
  

• “Silence”
  

• “Last time we talked about some of the challenges you’ve been facing. Today, we can continue exploring those issues and see how things have been since then. Can you tell me how things have been for you recently? Have you noticed any changes in your mood or daily routine?”
  

• Then I silently gave him the poem I wrote:

  I'm falling in love with you
  and I guess it scares me
  because from the very beginning,
  I told myself not to.
  

  Part of me,
  the human part of me,
  is warning me to be careful,
  to not allow myself to feel this way,
  to protect myself
  from getting hurt.

  But my soul...
  my soul feels like
  I am home,
  and there is no reason
  to lock the door
  because I am safe.

• "So, who’s bothering you this time? Is it Tabbassum again?"
  

• "No, my friend. I once talked about her, Pumpkin. Remember?"
  

• "Yes, so again you’re experiencing trust issues or fear."
  

• I remain silent.
  

• "Let’s discuss any recent events that might have impacted how you’re feeling."
  

• I told him about what’s been going on.
  

• "Do you experience extreme mood swings?"
  

• "I often feel overly energetic around children. But when their mischief makes me angry, or when someone asks about me, I become very hyper. After these high-energy moments, I can feel really low and depressed for weeks, sometimes having trouble sleeping at night."
  

• "What’s been the most challenging aspect of your symptoms recently?"
  

• That question is hard to answer:

  
  :-Finding it hard to know what I’m feeling inside or want.
  :-Struggling to explain my emotions to others.
  :-Difficulty understanding how others are feeling.
  :-Often focusing more on what’s happening around me rather than how I’m feeling.
  

• “Ravi, listen. You might have trouble figuring out and talking about your feelings. For example, when you’re upset, you might not know exactly why or what you’re feeling. You might also find it hard to understand or relate to how others are feeling, am I right?”
  

• Again, “Silence.”
  

• “So Ravi, I found that your symptom is an inability to express your feelings. It’s called alexithymia, and it can make managing your emotions and connecting with others difficult. Therapy can help you learn to understand and express your feelings better. Or you can talk to someone you trust.”

After all this, I don’t know what to do or how to proceed. I’m taking a break from everyone because my mind isn’t working like it should.

It doesn’t work like other people’s minds.

I don’t want to trust my thoughts, but it keep showing me and convincing me to believe that others will cheat or betray me.

and again I found myself alone.

so he suggests:-

• These things will just end everything you have in a relationship with a parent or someone else. So just stay away from people who don’t understand you.

• “If you keep with them, then they find a problem with them too. The silent treatment you give them could also be part of a broader pattern of control or emotional abuse.

• When it’s used regularly as a power play, it can make them feel rejected or excluded. This can have a huge effect on their self-esteem.”