The Paranting guide to wearing face coverings

Here we go again.

However, instead of focusing on doom and gloom, here at Paranting we want to lift up your spirits in light of recent news of the Omicron (O-me-cron) variant.

We've come up with our own totally serious guide to wearing masks.

It's not at all a futile attempt to shade those who refuse to wear them without any exemption...

So here it is, 9 ways to wear your mask, Paranting style:

1. Make sure your mask covers your nose and mouth:

Mainly so you can stop yourself yelling at the COVID-complainers and breathing in their scepticism.

You’ll probably breathe in some flat-earth theory too if you’re not careful.

It'll also save you from being told to smile, ladies. ;-)

2. If you’re exempt from wearing a mask, carry on holding your head high and staying safe:

True paranters won’t make you prove it or ask you why. We know you’re scared and we love you.

Unfortunately, being a parent to a toddler isn't an exemption.

Credit: iStock

3. One for the boobed people—at least a mask isn’t as uncomfortable as a bra:

The author of this post is actually also a bra fitter, so if this resonates with you, you probably need a trip to Bravissimo.

4. Refer to the Omicron variant exclusively in a Nigella Lawson "meek-ro-wah-vey" voice:

It’s fun, it’s harmless and it makes us sound posh enough that we can mispronounce anything.

Also, you’ll start off ironically and then it will become your normal pronunciation.

With a face covering, you'll also sound husky and sexy AF.

Thank you to Drag Race UK Season 3 queen Ella Vaday (Opens in a new window) for this

5. If wearing a mask makes your glasses steam up, try not wearing your glasses:

You might not see oncoming cars, but at least you’re safe from COVID.

In all seriousness, you can stop your glasses from steaming up by using dish soap to clean the lenses, leaving behind a film to prevent fogging.

There are also face coverings that help prevent fogging up (or so the legend goes).

6. It gives you an excuse to tell popular stories about masks to your kids:

Maybe you want to recount the story of the Phantom of the Opera, or the history of masquerade balls, or Zorro.

Maybe they’ll see they can be heroes for wearing one too.

Credit: iStock

7. You can sing “return of the masks, once again”:

Like centre-partings and wide-leg jeans, lots of the oldies return in the end.

Please don't sue us, Mark Morrison.

8. Set up an alternative appearance on your phone so you can still unlock it with your face while wearing a mask:

Because let’s be honest, we’ll need them for a while yet.

While it’s winter gloves season you might be grateful you set this up; no more fumbling around trying to find a fingerprint that the screen will accept.

9. Return of the face coverings means easy Secret Santa gifts:

Reuseable ones can be bought for under a tenner—some are under a fiver—so rejoice that we have to wear them again.

Credit: iStock

The Paranting Conclusion

Obviously, the Omicron variant is no joke and we do all need to keep each other safe.

However, we are in a better position than this time last year.

We can promise you; we’re smiling under these masks (so don't ask us to smile, yeah?).

Words: Felice Southwell